A Wish and a Hope

I don’t make it a habit of listening in on other people’s conversations, but sometimes it can’t be helped. That was the situation I found myself in at an oncology appointment late last year. 

The lab where I was to have blood drawn and my oncologist were both running late, so I was in a very crowded waiting room trying to read my book. While I was waiting, a man in a wheelchair and a woman, who I learned was his wife, came in. The wife sat next to me, claiming one of the few remaining seats available, and the man was parked in front of her in his wheelchair.  A young woman wearing light green scrubs had pushed the man into the waiting room and helped the couple get settled. Before she left, she knelt down and said to him, “It was so nice to see you. I hope all the news you get today is good.” 

The man had the look of someone who’d had a lot of chemotherapy. He looked tired, frail and his skin had a gray sheen to it. As soon as the young woman departed, the wife said to the man, “We have to figure out how we are going to respond to your brother and nephew.” They began talking very openly as if I and the other people sitting around them weren’t there.  

Unspoken Agreement

The man had been in business with his brother and nephew years earlier. But something happened, and there was a big falling out. The wife referred to it as a betrayal. The brother and his son had learned the man was sick and reached out wanting to come see him after many years of not talking. The decision to be made was whether or not to agree to a visit. The wife reminded the man that the last time he spoke to either of them was ten years earlier when he was suing them.

It was clear the wife was against the visit. At one point, in a soft, but firm voice she said, “They caused you enough pain!”  The man didn’t disagree, but I heard him say multiple times, “He is my brother. They’re family.” The last thing I heard him say before I was called for my appointments was, “I have so much I want to say to them and at the same time, nothing at all.”

As I got up to leave, I was tempted to say something to the couple that might comfort them. But I didn’t, because at the time it felt like I would be violating an unspoken agreement I had with them of not inserting myself into something that was none of my business.  

Already in a Bad Mood

By the time I showed up for my oncology appointment that day, I was already in a bad mood. We were experiencing a light snowfall that made driving difficult. Everyone else on the road seemed to be driving either too fast or too slow for the road conditions. When I arrived at my appointment and saw the crowded waiting room, my mood soured even more. It was like all those people were there just to annoy me. I remember sarcastically and irritably thinking to myself, “Oh great!” as I saw the couple coming toward me to claim the space next to me. I was trying to read, and they would probably make that difficult.

When I think back on that appointment, I chose to forget that all those people were there because, like me, they’d been touched by cancer. It took over hearing a painful and urgent conversation to remind me of the importance of kindness, giving grace and having compassion and empathy for others. When I headed home that day, I was grateful for my good health but also sad thinking about the couple I had been sitting next to and unsettled by how I’d shown up.

My bad mood that day probably has something to do with resorting to my reptilian brain and going into fight or flight mode. But perhaps the simplest answer to why is I chose to be to be in a bad mood. 

I often think about the man in the wheelchair that I crossed paths with all those months ago. I wonder how he is doing. My wish for him is that he got good news that day at his appointment, he made a decision regarding his brother and nephew that brought him peace and that he is doing well. My hope is that I am open to and grateful for the reminders that save me from being my worst self no matter how unsettling and challenging they may be, and I show up as a decent and kind human.